Les "Je Ne Dois Pas" de BSG

Qui n'a jamais eu affaire à des règlement aberrants, mais vrais ?
Voici ceux de BSG !

Liste originale de Television Without Pity

Et les perles...

3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it's hilarious. It's still cruel.

4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.

6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.

8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.

24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.

27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.

29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.

38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.

42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."

65. Not allowed to get Lieutenant Gaeta drunk and plant him in anyone's rack.
* Again.

68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
* Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by "me," we actually mean "you," Lt. Edmonson. You think you're being subtle? Gods.

83. Not allowed to play strip Triad.
* No, not even if Captain Agathon doesn't know when to fold.

93. No, I may not keep it as a pet.
* Yes, Boxey counts.

95. After destroying a Cylon Basestar it is not appropriate to yell that "All your base are belong to us."

97. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Yes, it is amusing.
*No, I will not survive past 0300 if I do so.
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.

105. Not allowed to mutiny.
* No, not even if President Roslin did it first.

115. Not allowed to see how long I can stand in Col. Tigh's blind spot before he notices me.

121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
*Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."

151. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
* or to ask him if President Roslin already did.

156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
*Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
*Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
*Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.

162. President Roslin does not appreciate being referred to as an Election Stealer.
* Or Baby Stealer.
* Or Military Asset Stealer.
* Or the Old Man's Main Squeeze.

164. When visiting Colonial One, being granted "permission to come aboard" is not an invitation to throw Tory Foster to the ground and make mad passionate love to her.
* Or to President Roslin.
* Or to Vice President Zarek.
* Or to any combination thereof.

181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
* As far as I know.
* Neither did President Roslin.

183. Am not allowed to impersonate the shower inspector while Capt. Agathon is showering anymore.
*Even if I bring soap.
*Or really good conditioner

184. Am not allowed to hide in air ducts and play bagpipes when Admiral Adama talks to Lee.
*Not even if I include poundy drums
*especially if I include poundy drums
*further instances of this will result in the immediate confiscation of my poundy drums.

Merci Maiky ! c'est vraiment amusant !

214. Not allowed to punctuate Capt. Thrace's makeout sessions in the rack with Samuel Anders by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.

234. There is no such position as the Minister of Masturbation.
* Or Secretary of S&M.
* I do not hold any position in the President's cabinet.
* I will not giggle when a superior officer uses "position" and "president" in the same sentence.

301. Not allowed to make Dr. Baltar cry.
*Not on purpose, at least.
*Definitely not allowed to keep score.
*Or brag about my score.
*Or place bets regarding my score.
*No, not because "that's President Roslin's job".
*And aren't I not allowed in the brig anyways?

310. I am not allowed to sneak around in the dead of night, taping extra corners to octagonal shapes.
*Or to start anymore movements called "Demand Squares"
*Or any variations thereof
*Turns out that is not the shape of things to come

315. The following phrases are added to the banned list: "Mistress of Education," "President's whipping boy," "President's whipping girl" and "It's your duty, give the President that booty."

342. Not allowed to "air guitar" while on duty.
*Or "air drum".
*Or "air keyboard".
*Or "air glockenspiel".

343. Not allowed to start random slow claps.
*Yes, that is the Admiral's job.

351. “But he won’t hurt anyone, he has a SOUL now!” will not stop President Roslin from airlocking a Toaster.
*President Roslin may airlock me if I use the above phrase.
*Claiming Jane Espenson made me say is not a “get out of airlock free” card.
*Suggesting that Hera’s blood may yet turn the President into “Roslin, the Cylon Slayer” will not score me any points.

364. No longer allowed to record appointments between the Admiral and the President as “Senior Sexcapades” in the official logbook
*Even if both Tory and Tigh nodded knowingly and Captain Thrace got the giggles.
*If they are recorded as such, clarification regarding the invite must be made. The Vice President showed up and seemed so hopeful last time. It was heartbreaking.
*I can no longer create airlock graffiti of the last incident.
*Especially when President Roslin is standing near the red button.

367. Despite that incident in the hallway, the CAG is no longer to be referred to as “Major Frodo.”
*I may also not refer to Cottle as “Doc Gandalf.”
*Gaeta is NOT an elf.

404. No, we are not there yet.
* I will not ask again.
* Ever.

410. I have not been authorized to "bring sexy back".
*Neither has anyone else.
*No, not even Major Adama.
*"Them pilots" do know how to act.
*As do "them Cylons".
*In any case, sexy never left.

418. No longer allowed to start rousing, hands-in-the-air, group chants of “Air-LOCK! Air-LOCK!” when Roslin gets pissed at Baltar.
*Starting the above chant when Roslin and Adama are having a fight will only earn me some hurt later.
*As will calling the above fight a “lovers’ quarrel.”

426. Not allowed to hang a "Please, Disturb" sign on Baltar's cell.
* and proceed to throw suggestive glances at Gaeta
* and film the results
* brig filming is a Government monopoly
* I am re-banned from the brig

428. Not allowed to tell Capt. Agathon that he's the moral compass of the fleet
* and then ask him where his arrow points
* and then look at Lt. Agathon and say, "Oh, so that's North."

437. Not allowed to ask what happened to all the black market orphans.
*Or if I have to return mine.

445. Not allowed to assemble a crack string quartet of nuggets and reenact that scene from Titanic during tense moments in the CIC.

451. I will not ask the Cylons what version of Windows they're running.
*The Cylons are most definitely not Macs.

457. Even if Adama's glare is capable of starting fires, it is still not an acceptable method of roasting marshmallows.
479. I am no longer to explain my irrational behavior with references to a mystical podcast.
*I do not hear the voice of God through a mystical podcast.
*I am no longer to insist that the President precedes any prophesies she receives from the gods by making air quotes and stating “spoiler.”

507. The fact that guns don’t make noise in space does not mean that I have to make my own sound effects.

509. I may not organize a rescue mission to find my keys I left on New Caprica.

510. I should stop asking President Roslin for help with my math homework.

511. Although it was a thoughtful gift idea, President Roslin does not need a remote control for the airlock.

541. There are no computer networks allowed aboard the Galactica. There are no exceptions for CounterStrike tournaments.
*Considering that the human race consists of less than 50 000 people, most MMORPG's are out of the window too.

558. No matter what decision the President makes, I may never point and yell “Bad Schoolteacher! BAD Schoolteacher!”

560. I now realize that refitting the airlock so that it could be operated by “the Clapper: Clap on! Clap off!” even though it was for the convenience of the President, was an error.
*Especially before her last speech.
*I would like, however, to point out that if Admiral would just clap a bit more frakin’ quickly, the airlock would have “Clapped off” a millisecond after it “Clapped on.”
*Yes, I do realize that the Admiral is permitted to “bust out his signature move” whenever he frakin’ well pleases.

563. I am not allowed to suggest that the top brass and upper echelons of the government put on a musical to boost morale.
* Specifically not a musical about a powerful man who is used to having everything done his way and the feisty schoolteacher who comes into his life and quickly becomes a political power.
* Especially not if the powerful man and feisty schoolteacher dance a sexually charged polka.

592. The Battlestar Galactica is not a 'ride', and does not need to be 'pimped'.

617. I am not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral around with an accordion in order to encourage them to polka.
* Not even if Captain Thrace orders me to.

627. I will no longer acknowledge the XO’s commands with an “Aye-aye.” A single “Aye” will now suffice.

628. “Squee” is not an acceptable greeting when coming upon the Admiral & President in the corridors of Galactica.
*even if they were all over each other.
*which they assured me they were not.
*no matter what I thought I saw.
*Is that what a polka looks like?

653. If I begin dancing a sexually charged polka, the rest of CIC will not “follow my lead.”
*Dancing a sexually charged polka alone is both awkward and is inappropriate conduct for a Colonial officer.

658. “We need to get the hell out of here and start having babies” is not an invitation for me to do anything.
*I am no longer permitted to use this as a pick-up line at Joe’s
*Neither the President, Major Apollo, nor anyone else ever said this directly to me or thinking specifically of me and I am to stop claiming otherwise.
*I am not permitted to speculate on what transpired after the President said this to the Admiral
*I am definitely not permitted to speculate what transpired after the Admiral repeated this to Colonel Tigh and Mr. Gaeta in CIC.
*If my brain fries and dribbles out of my ears while speculating about any of the above, I have no one to blame but myself.

667. Lt. Agathon will not be leading a ship-wide introductory class on how to dance "the robot."
*I am to stop asking.

669. I am not allowed to ask Lt. Agathon if she knows who Data is.
* I am not to ask Lt. Agathon if she thinks Data ever became human.
* I am not to ask Lt. Agathon if Data is one of the Final Five.
* I am not to ask Lt. Agathon if Data is the one who programmed her.
* I am not to ask Lt. Agathon anything.
* Asking Caprica is not an acceptable workaround.
* I am re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-banned from the brig.

680. No longer allowed to steal Major Adama's towels from the dryer and auction them off.
*The proceeds from said auction are hereby confiscated, and will be used to fund the entire Colonial government for the next year.

692. I am no longer to ask Hotdog how the "little dog" is doing.

693. I am no longer allowed to tell Dee any rumors that refer to her father-in-law and the president
*or a cabin
*or a red dress
*especially if her father-in-law was the one wearing the red dress
*especially if her father-in-law was wearing a red dress and dancing a sexually charged polka

718. Admiral Adama has never ridden, drove, or piloted "The Laura"
*I am not to take this to mean he never "acheived liftoff"
*"The Laura" was not completely silent throughout
*This was not a "covert operation" using his "stealth ship"
*Nobody was sent "undercover"
*He was not sure to wear his protective gear
*It was not a bumpy ride
*I am to stop it right now

725. I am no longer to tell Major Adama that his wife would find him more the hottie if he grew a moustache and dyed his hair a steely shade of gray.

729. The President and Admiral are only to be referred to as "dignified," "resolute," "hard working," "disciplined" and the like.
*I am to cease referring to them as "adorable."
*I am to cease following them while playing their "theme" on the glockenspiel.
*I am banned from use of the glockenspiel.

762. I will stop speculating about the other Arrow of Apollo.

787. Lee, he is NOT your father.

795. Windows Vista is NOT Cylon porn.

Y en a des excellentes ! Pas la peine de tout réécrire ici, mais certaines sont vraiment bien trouvées, je rigole bien. Merci de faire tourner Maiky

Ah mais je ne réécrit pas tout !! C'est juste un best of, une mise en bouche !!

Nan je voulais dire pas la peine que MOI je réécrive les citations que je préfère parmi celles que t'as sélectionnées, y en a trop que j'adore.
Continue !